


Elusive Happiness

by Janiek92



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Searching for Happiness, pondering, thoughtful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 20:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16794319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janiek92/pseuds/Janiek92
Summary: Ginny ponders over her married life to Harry. Had she ever been truly happy? What did that even mean?





	Elusive Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> It must have been at least 5 years since I've dared to post anything. I decided to go with a one-shot, so I couldn't disappoint you with my inabilty to keep to an updating schedule.  
> 

Sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you wanted, the way you planned it or even the way you expected it. Of course, this wasn’t news to her, but these things just get unwelcomingly reinforced sometimes. Like when her Quidditch coach told her she just wasn’t good enough anymore, that she’d become too old to play. Even though she had only been 26 and there were at least ten other players in the league who were older than she’d been. That wasn’t planned and it had definitely not been what she’d expected. Never mind that she’d been able to decide upon a different career path without too much difficulties. Harry had helped her with that. Good, old, reliable Harry. Always there when you needed him.

At least that’s what she’d come to expect. Just like she’d come to expect that her boys would bring home girls and vice versa. It wasn’t like she had anything against homosexuality, but she’d never been confronted with it quite as directly as when Albus had brought home the Malfoy boy and introduced him as his boyfriend. That was another expectation blown out of the window. Though, once she got used to it, she didn’t mind it one bit. Especially not after Albus and Scorpius announced their intent to get adoptive children. She’d still be able to coddle grandchildren, just like she’d always wanted.

She’d had wanted so many things growing up. And most of those things she had accomplished and gained. She’d gotten to marry Harry, she’d been a professional Quidditch player, she’d gotten three children – two boys, one girl –, she’d always had enough money to raise those children comfortably. There was just one thing she’d not yet accomplished. Or should she say gained? It was something rather basic actually and she felt a bit weird for not having gotten this rudimentary desire. You see, she had always wanted to be happy, just like every single person she’d ever met. She’d tried very hard to be happy, but gradually Ginny begun to notice that happiness couldn’t be forced, it had to just exist. It couldn’t be planned for.

She’d planned most of life quite meticulously. Something she preferred to do because she didn’t like to lose control. Not after what happened to her in her first year at Hogwarts. She knew that not everything could be planned or anticipated, but whenever she could, Ginny would make elaborate plans for everything she did. Neither of her three children had come unexpectedly and neither of them had dared to be born even a day off schedule. After the shock of losing her Quidditch career, she made sure that she’d never have to rely on anyone but herself for her career. It just made it so much easier to plan everything. Like when she’d like to start her weekend, when she’d take a week or two off for a holiday abroad, or when she’d go into retirement. Everything was up to her and that was just the way she liked it. But true happiness had eluded her so far. Despite all her planning and scheming.

Of course, she wasn’t exactly unhappy, certainly not. For the most part she was quite content with her life. She couldn’t even really grasp why she wasn’t as happy as other people she knew. People like her brother and Hermione, who were just so blissfully happy that it just radiated off of them. Harry was like that, too, at times. Mostly when he spent time with them. Just like it always had been, the perfect Golden Trio. She’d never really managed to get her spot cemented into their group, no matter how close she had gotten with Harry. For that part, she just knew that she didn’t have the same spot in Harry’s heart as Hermione and Ron. They’d always been more important to Harry than she was and she couldn’t really blame him. Not when she was thinking rationally at least. They’d just been through so much together. Nothing could beat that.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t jealous, though. And neither did it mean that she’d never resented Harry for it in those moments when her emotions got the upper hand. Come to think of it, wasn’t that why she just couldn’t find happiness? Was it the unbalanced love between her and her husband? She knew she felt a lot of dissatisfaction stemming from it, but was it the reason for her inability to find happiness? Did she need the love of a man to be happy?

That was a hard question to answer. Mostly because she knew that Harry did love her. Even if it wasn’t as much as she had always loved him. Why couldn’t she be satisfied with what she did receive from him? He certainly constantly tried to make her happy. He was so very attentive and he would do everything she asked without thinking twice about it. She wouldn’t even be able to explain what she was missing in their relationship. Aside from Harry’s failed attempts at letting her be as much a part of his life as his two best friends. But wasn’t that as much her own fault as his? He’d always tried and he always kept on trying. Even now, when Ginny was absent from their family home more often than not.

She’d never really wanted to be part of that group. They were always talking about the War and the so-called adventures they’d had during it. It hadn’t felt like an adventure for her at all. She had been terrified the entire time. The fear to lose everything and everyone she held dear had consumed her every waking moment, even going as far as to cause insomnia. She’d never told anyone about it, though. She felt it was a weakness and she refused to feel weak. She needed to feel strong. It was part of her need to be in control. Weak people didn’t have control, they were controlled and she’d be damned if she would ever let herself be controlled ever again.

So no, she didn’t want to talk about the War. And thus, she didn’t want to be involved in the numerous talks the Golden Trio had about the War. Whenever they’d start to talk about the subject, which would happen inevitably whenever they were together, she’d quickly find reason to exit the room. Whenever Harry started to speak of it when it was just the two of them, she swiftly changed the subject. It was probably what had created the distance between them. Harry came to her for everything in the beginning, but the more she pulled away from his War stories, the less he trusted her with whatever else was bothering him. She knew for a fact that he’d confided in her brother and sister-in-law more than he’d ever even hinted at to her.

As she turned around in the unfamiliar bed, she continued to ponder. Hadn’t she expected happiness to be a given? She’d grown up with it all around her, the familiarity of it always surrounding her like a warm blanket. She’d never have guessed that she could marry the one she’d always wanted to marry – the one she had been expected to marry – and that she could end up unhappy despite that. Or maybe because of it. Had she ever wondered if she and Harry were really meant to be? Were they really compatible? Hadn’t she loved the idea of him more than she actually loved him as a person?

Maybe. Maybe not. It wasn’t something she could change. Not anymore. Harry was the type of man to who loyalty meant everything. As did trust. Once betrayed and broken, it was almost irreparable to Harry. And treachery such as this, he’d never forgive her for.

But then again, did she really need Harry? Did she need their marriage? She wasn’t entirely sure. Nor was she sure if she’d ever find out. It hadn’t brought her happiness so far and it most likely wouldn’t bring her happiness in the future, either. Not that it really mattered anymore. As she looked her bed partner in the eye, she knew without a sliver of doubt that her marriage would not exist for very much longer. Harry would never be able to forgive her for this. She didn’t even think she wanted him to.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Please let me know what you think about this piece!


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